I am most surprised by the overwhelming love that comes with being a parent. Everyone tells you how much you’ll love your child, but I wasn’t able to really imagine it before Mavis got here.

I am overwhelmed with the joy that Mavis brings us. She is such a bright happy child that her mere presence is uplifting.

I am also overwhelmed by how much sadness and grief I feel over the loss of Hayden, Mavis’s twin. I think about the loss everyday. I’m still haunted by the empty space left in our lives. Sometimes when I’m delirious with exhaustion in the middle of the night when Mavis is fussing I forget we have only 1 and panic that she’ll wake an imaginary second child.

Mavis’s is both wonderful and a reminder of our greatest loss. I still cry when I sing “You Are My Sunshine” to her.

All these emotions are beyond what I expected.

My guilty pleasure

My big guilty pleasure hands down is what I like to call smut TV. I am a sucker for too many trashy reality shows. My current favorites are: Sist.er Wive.s, any of the Bra.vo Housewi.ves series-especially NJ, Bethe.nny Ever Afte.r, Litt.le Coup.le, 19 and Count.ing, 16 and Pregnan.t, Te.en Mo.m and I D.idn’t Kn.ow I Was Pregnan.t. I’m sure there are more, but I think you get the idea.

Now I’m a little embarrassed. Can’t wait to read yours.

Picture of “Mavis”


15.5 months

(I think it’s easiest for me to call the little one Mavis from now on.)

My high school self

It seems like it was so long ago. I grew up in a small town and there were only 50 people in my entire class. Our school was actually a Jr.-Sr. high school that went from grades 7-12 with a total of about 500 students.  I was a freshman in 91-92 and it was about that time that I figured out that I was gay. I was very popular in high school and not out at school. Since I was a competitive athlete who traveled 70 miles for my sport I was able to maintain a double life. My high school girlfriend did the same sport and I saw her when I was training and during the summer when I lived near the training center.

I played the oboe in concert band and the piano in jazz band. I was honors band president my senior year. I know it sounds weird, but it was considered cool to be in band and even cooler to be selected for the honors band. Our honors band did really well in national competition and brought pride to the school. (Random aside, G.a.vin De.G.raw and I grew up together. He sat right behind me in honors band and played the saxophone. We also had the same private piano teacher. I think he helped make band cool.) My mother always wanted me to be the best at whatever I did, so that meant private lessons and competition in everything. No only did I compete nationally in fancy sport and honors band, but I competed and made All-County band in the oboe and competed in NYSSMA on the piano. I was always practicing, rehearsing, competing, memorizing, exercising, dancing or dieting. It was a lot of pressure, but I guess it worked in helping me excel.

I was also a top sprinter on the track team. My best friend from elementary and high school was on track and it was a great place for us to spend time together. Looking back I was an over scheduled over achiever. I was even voted “Most Likely to Succeed” in the Senior Yearbook. I wish I had taken more time to just relax. I remember feeling like I had to achieve or I would be doomed to live in that small town my whole life.

If I had to tell high school Jackie anything, I’d assure her that she is good enough as she is.


It’s been too long. I don’t know why I’ve been away. Let’s see if can build up my blogging muscle.

This is where I (will) blog.

Just a picture