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Annoyed with D.roid

My D.roid Incr.edible doesn’t ship until 8/3.

(Insert frowny face)

Already one year ago

Dear Hayden,

On Friday July 17, 2009 we learned our dreams for you would not be. So often we look at your twin sister and see your twinkle in her eyes. Yesterday, she sat up all by herself for the first time. Each milestone makes us yearn for you more. We thank you for being Izzy’s guardian angel.

I have so much that I would like to say but can’t organize my thoughts. All I know is that we did not have nearly enough time with you and miss you terribly. You will always be a treasured member of our family.

We hope you can feel the love we have for you. We can certainly feel your love.

–Mommy & Mama

Plotting my comeback…

It’s been too long. I miss you all and I need to comeback. I’ve been in blissful baby land. “Mavis” is perfect! Yesterday she turned five months. She is a very happy easy going baby. I sometimes feel guilty that she’s so easy. We definitely have our tough moments, but overall we have the type of baby who tricks you into thinking that you could easily manage more kids. (wink wink).

Today I am *finally* eligible to get an Andr.oid smartphone. Once I have one, I can use the wordp.ress app to blog. I’m rarely near a computer these days and my smartphone is an ancient jalopy. I’m looking forward to getting upgraded and online!

See you (who are still stopping by) really soon!

2 Pics of 3 weeks

Izzy turned 3 weeks this past Sunday. How time flies!

So much going on. Random items:

  • Izzy has her first cold. I’m pissed as C’s dad gave it to her. Seriously, why would ANYONE think it’s okay to come visit a 3 week old while you are sick and coughing!?!
  • We went to the pedi this morning and as long as she doesn’t develop a fever she’s okay.
  • In the last 6 days Izzy has gained a whopping 7oz and weighs 9lbs 7oz!
  • Since being out of the hospital I have managed to BF exclusively, except for one bottle that C will give her in the middle of the night.
  • I just started drinking mother’s milk tea. As a result I managed to pump 21.5oz today in two pump sessions (16.5 in am and 5 in pm). Before, I’d get about 16oz per day (12 in am and 4 in pm). I freeze the proceeds from the am session and save the pm milk for the night feeding.
  • I’m very nervous that I don’t have enough time to build up a supply of BM in our freezer since I can only BF another 5 weeks due to my prolactin producing tumor on my pituitary gland.
  • C goes back to work tomorrow. I will miss her! She will miss Izzy! I’m nervous about my first day home alone–as it will be with a sick baby.
  • One of my friends from work just called to tell me she’s 10 weeks pregnant. This will make the 5th co-worker pregnant in a year. This is out of about 50 people! There are 3 of us currently out on parental leave!

Quickie

We took Izzy to the pediatrician today. It was my first time as I was in the hospital when she went to her last appointment. She was amazingly calm. She now weighs 9lbs!!! That’s up from her birth weight of 7lbs 6ozs. On her fifth day of life she was 7lbs 12ozs. Yahoo, my breast milk works!

Baby girl got her first shot, her Hepatitis B. She screamed for a 5 seconds and then was fine. I was okay watching her get this shot. Poor C is still recovering. She made me take the band-aid off this evening out of her sight. 😉

I totally had an “I’m someone’s mother moment” when I caught myself trying to dig some low hanging mucus out of Izzy’s nose. Good Lord it’s happened quickly! I couldn’t let the doctor see her with a grubby nose.

We also had an “I’m so wrapped up in my baby that I’ve forgotten basic things moment” when it came time to pay our $15 copay. Between C and I we only had $10. Truth be told, C had $10 and I had nothing by a smile and Izzy’s diaper bag. Doh. I didn’t realize that the office is a cash only establishment…not that I even had a credit card on me. Fortunately, the receptionist was happy to take the $10 we had and just asked us to bring the outstanding $5 next time.

I’ll try to upload some pics tomorrow. Speaking of tomorrow…I’m super excited that I have a hair appointment. I can’t wait for a little pampering. Off to pump some extra liquid gold so that baby girl doesn’t go hungry while I’m getting primped.

Goodbye Olym.pics

I felt my first contractions while watching the opening ceremonies. The Olymp.ics got me through my long labor. I got to watch the first half of the pairs figure skating event and then they wheeled me into the OR for my C-section. I spent two lonely days watching ice dancing and cross-country skiing while in the hospital for my respiratory issues. Today, as I watch the closing ceremonies Izzy is exactly 2 weeks old.

Thank you winter games! Until the summer games in two years (I hope you usher in the arrival of our next baby!)…

Now, here is a pic of Izzy from today:

Eyes wide open

I have just started a FB page for little Izzy. Leave a comment and how to find you on FB and Izzy will friend you. That’s going to be the place where we update her most recent photos. I’m not sure what is going to happen with this blog. It was a TTC blog…not sure if I want to transition it into a mothering blog. Truth be told, I already want another one. Izzy is amazing, but I still feel the loss of Hayden. She’s supposed to have a sibling…so we’ve got to figure out when/how to do that. Little Izzy is growing up so fast. She can already hold her neck up a little and she pushes against my thigh with her strong little legs. Perhaps we’ll be on the TTC #2 train soon with C’s body. We will see, as we’ve got 6 vials of Izzy’s donor on ice in storage.

Izzy is doing great. She is a calm baby. She cries when she’s hungry or gassy. Sometimes she cries when she just wants a hug. During the night she asks to be nurse every 2hrs. During the day she asks to be nurse every 3 to 4 hours. She pees and poops a lot. She’s starting to open her eyes for a few hours every day. I’m not sure what she sees or what she’s looking at. Her first pedi appointment was the day I was admitted to the hospital (at 5 days old). At that time she’s already surpassed her birth weight of 7lbs6oz and weighed 7lbs12oz. We were supposed to go back to the pedi today, but the office rescheduled due to the snow.

I am feeling a ton better. I haven’t had any breathing problems since being discharged. I will be following up with a cardiologist as soon as I can get myself together.

How screwed up is she?

Well, when I called her Saturday evening from my hospital bed to tell her that I didn’t have a pulmonary embolism so they were discharging me, her first question was how much fluid they’d taken from me. I answered, dozens of liters. Then she asked if my body parts were smaller. I wasn’t sure what she was getting at, because my bra strap is actually smaller post-lasix. I just answered, yes. Then she said I NOTICED WHEN I SAW YOU WHEN YOU WERE IN LABOR THAT YOUR NECK LOOKED FATTER AND THOUGHT THAT YOU MUST BE RETAINING LOTS OF WATER.

(end scene)

I remind you that I gained 18lbs during my pregnancy. That conversation ended with me screaming at my mother in a primal way that had a nurse come in to check on me. I don’t even remember what I said.

The initial post baby plan was for C’s mom to stay the first two weeks after baby and then have my mother stay for a week. My mother has been as sweet as pie since her asshole comment and for the first time in over six years is calling C directly. I guess I’ve been so cold to her on the phone that she is more comfortable with her ordinarily cordial interaction with C over painfully icy with me. So, my mom called C and has “arranged” to come stay with us for C’s first week back at work.

YIKES!

I don’t think my mother+me+Izzy all alone in our 700sq foot apartment all day minus C is a good idea. I am not sure how to tell her this. I was thinking of telling her that she’s welcome to stay until she says something disrespectful. Once that happens, she’ll have 1 hour to vacate the premises. I’d pursue a deeper conversation, but my mother has proven to me that she lacks the ability to changer her behavior. It is up to me to minimize the damage it causes. I don’t think we’ll need much help by the time week four rolls around–at least not so badly that it’s worth bartering my soul. It’s just about giving her the opportunity to see her granddaughter. She keeps calling me and whining about how she wants us to send more pictures of Izzy. Whatever we send is not enough.

Any suggestions?

Another hospital stay for me

Last you heard from me I’d been released from the hospital and all was well. Let me do my best to pick up from there.

Thursday (2/18), I woke up in the middle of the night totally engorged and with cracked, bleeding nipples. C and I had to spend an hour and a half expressing milk into the tub, because using the pump had become too painful. When 9am rolled around, we called a lactation consultant who was at our apartment by 10:45. Within a 45 minutes she had Izzy latching such that it didn’t hurt and had helped me clue in to the little signals that she was giving. For example, when her suckle changes she needs to be burped and that she always poops midway through a feeding.

Then I spent the rest of the day blissfully nursing Izzy, relaxing and watching the Oly.mpics while C and her mom did mounds of laundry.

I nursed Izzy at about midnight and by 2am I knew something wasn’t quite right with me. I’d had severe pitting and swelling in my ankles since the C-section that everyone told me was just to be expected. Then I started to feel congested. So I took a Muc.inex. That didn’t help so at 4am I took another one and couldn’t stop coughing. When I say couldn’t stop, I mean coughing every 10 seconds. By 5am, I took a swig of Buk.ley’s cough syrup and realized that I was unable to lay horizontal without feeling like I was suffocating. At 5:30am C and I got up and told her mom what was going on. MIL took one look at me and told us we needed to go to the ER. We grabbed the breast pump and my ID and were out of the door, leaving Izzy in grandma’s able hands.

As we were driving to the hospital (which is 7 minutes away) I remember thinking that I wish we were in an ambulance. I remember staggering into the ER and a doctor waiving me past reception into triage. I was too short of breath to talk at all. C had to answer all of the medical questions he was asking. Things escalated once they took my blood saturation level and it was only 92%. (Two days earlier it had been 99%.) Then I remember that doctor plopping me into a wheel chair and running with me through the ER shouting my stats–the most critical of which were that I was 5 days post C-section and my low blood sat level. I’ve gotta give it up to ER nurses. In one swoop two nurses got me undressed, catheterized and a line in my arm. I didn’t feel any of it. There were lots of shouting doctors and test that they brought right to me: a chest X-ray and ECHO cardiogram.

I also remember that a stream of doctors were coming in to see me. Each physician’s outfit was less rumpled underneath their lab coat, telling me that they were bringing over supervisors and then supervisor’s supervisors. At one point there were two attending ER physicians at my bedside (one from the outgoing shift and the other from the incoming shift). No one seemed to want to tell me more than the fact that I had a tremendous amount of fluid in my body and that it had seeped into my lungs and around my heart. You could hear the crackling noise coming from my lungs without the stethoscope. They needed to reduce that fluid so that my heart could beat properly and my lungs could function. All these symptoms pointed to congestive heart failure. (My mom suffers from congestive heart failure, so it’s not a phrase of mystery to me. Hers was caused by an infection that damaged her heart muscle.) There was no obvious reason that would cause me to be in CHF.

One of the attendings slipped up and said (and I quote) “It’s a good thing that you came in when you did. Are you planning to have more children?”  I answered, “No, I don’t think so–I just had my baby. She quipped “Good, because this has an 85% mortality rate in future pregnancies.” HUH? I said, what is it that I have? I was under the impression that all these doctors were still trying to figure it out. She said, “You probably have peripartum cardiomypoathy.” As she was going to continue to talk, my OB appeared out of nowhere and she left. My OB tried to say calming words, but he looked very concerned. He assured me that he would have the best pulmonolgist he knew review my case. About ten minutes later a man who looked more like a lawyer than a doctor to me

I was starting to panic and yet I remember being calm enough to discuss with C that our parking ran out at 9am and that she should just leave so that she and MIL could take Izzy to her first pediatric appointment at 10:45.

They gave me a shot of lasix and the fluid starting coming out. Then some white coat told me that they were definitely going to admit me that that it would be for multiple days. I just lost it. How the FUCK was I supposed to spend multiple nights away from my 5 day old little girl?!?! Were things really that bad? As they diuresed me, I was slowly feeling like it was easier to breath–didn’t that count for anything.

C left to go be Momma to Izzy and get her to her appointment. Within a half hour they had me in a hospital room and had a resident going through the “could bes” that needed to eliminate to determine what I had:

  1. Peripartum Cardiomypathy (I needed another ECHO to rule this out, as the ECHO they did in the ER wasn’t clear enough.)
  2. Pre-Eclampsia (Apparently, when I can’t breathe my blood pressure goes way the fuck up. They were testing my urine and blood for this.)
  3. Pulmonary Embolism (I needed a chest CAT scan to determine if there are any clots in my lungs…the treatment for this is blood thinners before said clot has a chance to move an create colossal trouble.)
  4. Fluid overload for reasons that are unclear (I received a lot of IV fluid when I was laboring and during the C-section. Your average 32 year old should have no problem eliminating this fluid. For unknown reasons, my body didn’t get rid of it and became overwhelmed.)

I don’t even have the energy right now to go through all of the details. One day I’ll tell you all about the cranky, yet nosy old lady with emphysema with whom I shared a room. One day I’ll tell you all about how my sister and mother who live 150 miles away determined that the medical care I was receiving was subpar such that they had to find me new doctors and call my OB to yell at him for doing a shitty job. You can probably imagine how miserable it was to spend the night in the hospital away from my newborn with my engorged breasts to remind me of where I should have been.

All day Friday and Saturday I spent having various tests; pumping breastmilk; meeting with a pulmonolgist, cardiologist, 2 OB residents, my OB, numerous nurses; and watching the O.lympics to keep me from going crazy. EVER SINGLE PERSON with whom I came into contact was aware that I had a new baby and that I absolutely could not stay in that hospital for more than one night. If I needed to spend the rest of our life savings hiring a full time nurse to stay with us, that would be. My mental state was quickly deteriorating with each hour I sat in that hospital away from my family.

By Saturday night the “diagnosed” me with option 4. There is absolutely no medical reason they can find for why my body could not rid itself of the excess fluid. The (young and visibly pregnant) resident who actually processed my discharge papers annoyed the fuck out of me when she suggested that I take this as a “wake up call to start taking care of myself.” So typical of a doctor to take one look at me and think that I entered this pregnancy out of control, out of shape and unhealthy. When I told her that I was actually quite active, her advice was to meet with a cardiologist and pulmonolgist team to help me figure out what went wrong, because what happened to me was quite serious and not having an explanation is unacceptable.

We got home around 9pm Saturday. Just in time to see Izzy lose her belly button.

I’m feeling a lot better. Still feel a bit weak and tired, but I can breathe. I’m trying to take it easy. I guess the C-section is healing well. I haven’t really had time to worry or notice if there have been any problems with that. C’s mom is here for another week–thank goodness! We couldn’t have gotten through the last week without her.

Izzy is just perfection. She is blissfully unaware of all the hullabaloo. I have hardly put her down since being back home.

PS–If you know if an exceptional Manhattan cardiologist or pulmonolgist please let me know.